Get Me Out of the Bloody Closet!
by scarletphlame
Summary: Jack and Ianto get trapped in a closet. A collection of dialogue-only drabbles.
1. The Closet

AN: K... 'm calling this compensation since I probs won't be updating any of my fanfics anytime soon.

...Maybe ever.

Anywho, this is inspired by binkabonkayhankeydoo's fanfiction, "365 Days With The Doctor". Enjoy!

* * *

"...Jack?"

"Yeah, Ianto?"

"We've been locked in this closet for a while now."

"I'm pretty sure Tosh or Owen will get to the Hub soon."

"Yeah."

"..."

"..."

"How are we going to explain... Not having clothing on?"

"..."

"..."

"...Weevil hunting gone awry?"


	2. Something Hard

"..."

"..."

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I think there's something hard pressing against my leg."

"..."

"..."

"That's my Webley revolver. I left it in my pocket."

"Hmm."

"Yeah."

"...You're not wearing pants."

"..."

"..."


	3. Toothpaste

"Is there a light switch in here?"

"Ow! Stop moving!"

"Fine, fine."

"..."

"..."

"Jack, did you eat garlic or something earlier?"

"No! Why would you ask me that?"

"...Ever heard of toothpaste?"

"..."

"..."

"Well, Ianto, as a matter of fact, the last thing I ate was-"

"NO!"

"Nobody's here."

"..."

"..."

"I don't care."


	4. Broomba

"It's so crowded in here."

"It's just the two of us."

"And a broom. And a rat."

"..."

"Why do we even have a broom? Can't we use some alien version of the Roomba?"

"..."

"..."

"Yan, this closet is driving you insane."


	5. Coda

"I'm glad we found our clothes."

"Me, too."

"..."

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I think your Webley may be poking me."

"..."

"..."

"That's not my Webley."

"..."

"..."

"...Okay."


	6. Come On

"Jack, it's been over half an hour and _nobody's come!_"

"Well, I wouldn't say that's true."

"..."

"..."

"I meant, nobody's come in here yet."

"..."

"Nobody's arrived at the Hub yet."

"Mm-hm."


	7. OTP

"Hey, Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"...I ship us."

"...Okay."


	8. Scientifically Put

"Hey, Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"How long have we been in here?"

"Judging by the trajectory of the moon and the sun... I'd say... too long."

"Uh-huh."

"So..."

"So..."

"..."

"How come we have a Big Mac in the Archives filed under 'nuclear explosives'?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Good point."


	9. John Barrowman Moment

"OOHHH, SAY, CAN YOU SEEEEE?"

"No, it's too dark in here."

"BY THE DAAAWN'S EARLY LIIIIIIIGHT!"

"Jack... Can you stop singing for a minute?"

"No. I should get an album."

"Jack-"

"I AMMMMM WHAAAAT I AAAAAMMMMMM! I DON'T WANT PRAISE, I DON'T waaaaaant piiiityyyyy!"

"...After this, you might have to stick me on Flat Holm Island as a patient."

"Don't be silly, Yan, you're never patient."


	10. The Great Escape

"Hey, Jack?"

"Yep?"

"...Can't you use your wrist strap to open the door?"

"..."

"..."

"...Maybe."


	11. Ninety-Five Percent

"How long were we trapped in that closet for?"

"About four hours."

"Great."

"Hey, neither of us thought of using the wriststrap!"

"..."

"..."

"...I bet you knew all along."

"..."

"..."

"...Possibly."

"And you just locked us in there to have a grope."

"...There is a ninety five percent chance that that is true."


	12. Sir

"So, later on, you have to make a phone call to UNIT."

"Uh-huh."

"There's a couple of Rift alerts, so it's best to keep those on mind."

"Right."

"..."

"..."

"And Tosh just gave birth to a pterodactyl."

"Good."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Wait, what?!"

"Just checking to see if you were paying attention, sir. Now, about that phone call..."


	13. Déjà vu

"Hey, look at this guy."

"'Gareth David-Lloyd', huh? He kind of looks like you."

"What about this one, John Barrowman? You could be twins. And... who's David Tennant?"

"..."

"Sir?"

"..."

"Jack?"

"..."

"...Are you _drooling_?"

"..."

"...Am_ I_ drooling?"


	14. Just Get Out Already

"Ianto?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind coming out of the closet?"

"No! Why?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I don't want to."

"Yan, you've been in there for fifteen minutes. I don't think your cufflinks are in there."


	15. Yan

"Don't call me Yan."

"Okay, Yan."


	16. So, So Sorry

"Jack, you'll be late for your meeting."

"Shite. What time is it?"

"Uh... 4:56."

"...Do you hear that?"

"Hear what, sir?"

"...I think it's the sound of dying fandom."


	17. Con Men

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm on the phone with a scam artist."

"Great. Wait. What?"

"..."

"..."

"He's trying to get me to give him my credit card number because I've won an Apple computer. And he won't stop calling."

"..."

"..."

"...Try asking him what he's wearing."


	18. Sundaes on Sunday

"...Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"...When you asked me to get hot fudge..."

"Mm-hmm?"

"I was expecting it to go on ice cream."

"..."

"Not on my chest."

"..."

"..."

"Next time I'll ask for whipped cream."


	19. Jumbo-Sized

"It's raining out."

"No worries, Yan, I have an umbrella."

"It's a bit small, Jack."

"If you don't mind being intimate." :)

"Hey! I found one! Jumbo-sized." :)

"..." :(


	20. Irresponsible

"So, which came first?"

"Which what came when?"

"Which came first; the chicken, or the egg?"

"I don't know."

"You know everything."

"Well, yeah, but not that."

"..."

"...I might've accidentally, on my travels with the Doctor, dropped a small egg."

"Jesus."

"I was going to eat it, really."

"Jack–"

"Except it had a chicken in it."

"Oh, my God–"

"Just a small one."

"..."

"..."

"I can't believe you're responsible for the chicken."

"I'm responsible for everything."

"Yeah."


	21. Know-It-All

"You are such a child."

"I am not a child!"

"You were fighting with Myfawny over a soccer ball."

"It was a bomb!"

"Which explains why it's in the third drawer under your desk, behind the stack of paperwork that you said you'd get to one month ago."

"..."

"..."

"How did you know that?"

"I know everything."

"Ah."


	22. Johnlocked

"How?! HOW DID HE DO IT?!"

"How did who do what?"

"I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW!"

"Ah. You just finished the season finale of series two of Sherlock?"

"...Yeah."

"Yep."

"But how did he do it?!"

"Hmm. You know, he never did tell me."

"Never told you... You've met Sherlock?!"

"Yeah. He really needs to soften up, 'though."

"Don't tell me you–"

"Just once."

"God."

"Maybe seven times. Lost count. John was pretty pissed... nasty right hook."

"I don't... TMI, Jack."

"You jealous?"

"..."

"..."

"I'm putting you on decaf."


	23. The Producers

"...Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"...We're at the WWII memorial."

"...Yeah."

"Probably not a good time to be humming 'Springtime For Hitler'."

"..."


	24. Interrupted

"I can't believe Gwen just walked in on–"

"I know."

"And you were doing that thing with your–"

"I know."

"I mean, it's just so embarrassing that–"

"I know."

"Jack, this is a very serious matter. I can't have Gwen walking in on us cooking brownies and watching Johnlock fanvids."

"..."

"Stop. Stop laughing at–Oh, God."

"What?"

"It's Gwen."

"What did she do?"

"I think she just winked at us."


	25. Rippin'

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"You're really good at this video game."

"Yeah."

"I mean, you were blasting people's heads out left and right!"

"Yeah."

"...They should call you Jack the Ripper."

"Heh. More like Jack the Stripper."


	26. Straight As A Rainbow

"Hmm... I wonder if..."

"..."

"Are those two..."

"..."

"No..."

"..."

"Gay?"

"Gay."


	27. Straight As A Rainbow Part 2

"No, but seriously, look at them."

"I am, Jack."

"How is Merthur not canon yet?"

"Well, sir, apart from their blatant homosexuality, perhaps they might not be interested in each other."

"That... that can be arranged..."

"Jack, why are you tapping on your wristwatch?"

"..."

"Jack?"

"..."

"Jack?!"


End file.
